One Last Ride

Our family dog Toby passed away yesterday after 14+ years of making our lives better with his bold and charming presence. My dad was the one to bring him home to us all those years ago, and yesterday he was the one who took him on his last ride. Nothing will ever replace the bond they had, so I'm immortalizing it the best I can in words (though there's never enough).

Rest easy, Toby. We miss you so much bud.

Joyride 

do you know what I think

is the best feeling in the world?

going on a joyride

with you.

the simple pleasure of the

world passing by in shades of green

morning sun shining down

while your arms hold me is

 

better than

a fresh bowl of chicken and rice

cool grass on a summer night

sweeter than 

peanut butter from a spoon

long naps in the afternoon

warmer than

movies by the crackling fire

your arms as they lift me higher

higher than my hands can reach

farther than my feet can leap

I grow tired of running

my days of walking are

crawling to an end

all I want now is for you to 

lift me

carry me

take me

on one more joyride

with you.

For Mom

 

we get it from her

This year has been A Lot, and I wanted to try putting into words how I feel about my mom and the choices we all make in this life, specifically the choice to keep moving on despite it all.

It's no secret I've struggled for years with undiagnosed mental health issues, and with that, there were times I struggled with suicidal ideation and even made attempts to end my life. 

But I'm still here, and every day I choose to keep going. Not just for myself, but for my mom who has constantly chosen me when some would have walked away.

 So here's to you mom. Having you in my life is a privilege I don't take for granted. 

Thank you for choosing us.

By Choice

not everyone is so lucky

so privileged

to have a mom

like you

who chooses them

everyday

above all else

who rides out the bad 

days

months

years

not knowing if the storm will pass

(but hoping it does)

who takes a chance on every moment

that what they say

what they do

will help their child

be better

do better

live better

(to survive)

nothing is guaranteed

in this life

in our life

every day is an anxious amble down an unpaved road

time controlled by the only universal constant

the one we fear to name

but know its name nonetheless

the cut cord that breaks our ties to each other

by chance

by choice

so we prepare for the worst

hope for the best

and try to find sparks of joy

even in the darkest nights

we come into this world

by chance

by choice

by someone who must make a choice

forever make choices

for themselves

for another

by chance

by choice

not everyone is ready

to make choices

to ride storms

to gamble moments

to amble down unpaved roads

like you

Shoutout to Emmett Nahil for editing on this! Check out his site for info on how you can book him for editing and project consultation, and check out his newest Kickstarter for his graphic novel, Let Me Out!

Moving Forward

(art featured here created by my mentee)

I'm not going to talk about the disaster that is the American Dirt fiasco. So many other better-qualified people have already written poignant, heavily examined, and brutally honest pieces on the book, it's marketing, and the impact it has on the publishing community. Instead, I want to focus on the more positive movements and actions that have been taken to uplift and support Latinx creators since this shit hit the fan.

The beautiful thing about book twitter is just how fast (and vast) recommendation lists for better reading pop up in light of these events. Especially bloggers and writers of marginalized backgrounds: they look the fuck OUT for each other. They will hoard new debut announcements like a dragon would a shiny copper penny; no matter how small the project may seem, chances are someone is ON IT and will NOT rest until everyone knows how glorious their new find is.

I've been bookmarking everyone's lists to browse through for my next library trip because good lord there is SO. MUCH. OUT. THERE. And so much more to come! Anyone who says that there aren't enough Latinx creators just hasn't found The Horde™ yet, and this is coming from a Latinx creator. The problem isn't a lack of voices, it's that the voices we seek are usually silenced under the blaring million-dollar marketing campaigns advertising for status quo works written by predominantly cishet white writers. 

And with these boosts in lists, allies in positions of power or influence are the most crucial in getting these postings seen. While marginalized people are putting in the blood, sweat, and tears to support and promote each other it means nothing if the Powers That Be™ continue to shut the doors on significant opportunities that would change representation in media. I've been lucky and privileged to have allies in my corner fighting for my right to create honest work that represents my experience, even when it's not tragic or palatable for the general white audience.

However, at the end of the day, I'm a relatively unknown freelance creator who lives in a small town that might as well be nowhere as far as Big Publishing is concerned. I don't have the financial powers to back every Latinx debut that crosses my feed. I don't have the time to read every blog or listen to every podcast when I'm struggling to pump out my own content. Big events and movements that bring awareness to the issues I care about don't happen near me. It feels disheartening knowing that no matter how much I try to support those in my community and fight for those causes, I'm ultimately powerless to the whims of those with bigger pockets and platforms.

But lately, I've been given the chance to do something. And while it seems small in the grand scheme of things, it's massive when looked at from the other side.

I've been mentoring my Dominican hairdresser's daughter, spending one day a week just drawing for an hour or two and teaching her what I can at a pace that works best for her. It's something that brings me immense joy and reminds me to stop being so precious with my work and to just...go wild. 

When I was her age, I was lucky enough to have parents who supported my love for drawing by constantly gifting me supplies and How-To-Draw-XYZ books when the things I wanted to create were out of their own realm of knowledge. Even just those small acts of encouragement meant everything to me and gave me the confidence to keep going long enough to turn it into a passionate profession.

My mentee's parents are incredibly kind, loving, and supportive but wished they had more time and experience to help foster her love for drawing the way they wanted to. So being able to give to their daughter what my own family and teachers had given to me is something I never thought I'd have the honor to do. And the best part is that as I'm working with her, her parents are right by our side watching and learning along. 

It's such a small moment, but it's these kinds of moments that have stayed with me through the hardest points in my life. I remember the innocence of my childhood, how free I felt expressing my wildest ideas, and the joy of getting to share it with the people I loved. So to be on the other side of the table, encouraging her to add more sashes and colors and crocs to her Highly Accomplished Dr.Princess like others had done with me, is overwhelming. Representation is more than just what we see on paper; sometimes it changes our entire view on life to see someone like ourself doing the things we only dreamed of. Even if she doesn't turn art into a career, I want her to know she can.

Despite how dystopian the world feels right now, I'm thankful for everything that has allowed me to get to this point. What happened with American Dirt isn't a new occurrence, and unfortunately, I doubt it'll be the last time a white voice is hailed as revolutionary while own-voice creators are silenced and hidden in the background. 

So we'll keep talking. We'll keep being loud. And we'll keep uplifting each other as the industry tries to push us down. Because we're here and we have our stories to tell, even if we're not given seven-figures to do so.

Freelancing

Recently, I made the Big Shift™ from working full-time retail to full-time freelance. As I started picking up bigger projects like graphic novels and children's books, I realized that I couldn't keep up with both workloads without taking a huge hit in my mental and physical health.

One of my biggest fears with going freelance was my depression getting the best of me and affecting my ability to stay motivated while working from home. I live alone and aside from occasional visits from family, it's usually just...me.

Not having anyone else around to make sure I'm staying on track or taking care of myself was terrifying! I've been in that kind of slump before and it's something I never want to go through again. But luckily I've learned from my mistakes and knew what I needed from myself (and others) to make this push different. So for today's blog, I wanted to share some of the changes I've made to do freelance work as a bipolar depressive person.

Disclaimer: This isn't a comprehensive guide, this is just an explanation of my experience and the routine I've equipped for my lifestyle. This is entirely dependent on my various degrees of privilege. I also talk about my history with mental health, medication, and self-harm/suicide so proceed with caution if those topics may be harmful to you.

---

1. I Got Medicated
Now, this was the biggest step for me and had taken years (and I mean YEARS) to get done. It involved multiple consults with therapists, doctors, and psychiatrists before we found a proper diagnosis for my life-long mental health issues, and with that a medicated treatment plan that worked best for me. I had to spend several months after starting medication before my body fully adjusted, but it's been worth every minute. I can't remember the last time I've functioned this well, and honestly, I don't think I would have been able to survive as a freelancer had I not found what works for me. 

It's been an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process, however, so being able to get to that point was thanks to a major privilege of support from family (on-hand and financial). 

2. I Have To Call My Mom
I can't afford a manager yet so until then, my mom (whom I love very much and would call every day even if I didn't have to) acts as my go-to fire-under-the-ass lighter. Especially now that I live alone, I basically have to prove that I am waking up, eating my meals, taking my meds, and getting my work done. 
As much as I want to joke about this, it's actually incredibly important to me that I check in with her (or others in my family and friend group). After years of going radio silent during depressive episodes and coming out about fighting suicidal tendencies in private, it's become necessary that I keep others in my life in touch with how I'm doing on a daily basis. 

This step in my routine isn't negotiable for me: it's mandatory and essential to continue being (mostly) independent. 

3. Everything Is Scheduled
I have the memory span of a squirrel. I have to have my schedules written down, on my phone, and even my family acts as another record of my agendas. I make sure to tell them my schedules (and vice versa) so that if I somehow forget to make note of anything on my end, there's at least one other person who is aware of what the hell I'm supposed to be doing and when. 

I have times to eat, times to take my medications, times to sit and let my mind clear itself out for a bit before moving on to The Next Big Thing. Whether I'm at home or out in the world, I have to stick to my core routines so I don't fall off track.

4. My Time Is Finite
While working in retail, I would often work early-morning shifts that would start around 6am (meaning I'd have to wake up around 4 to give myself enough time to actually...wake up). So my body's been adjusted to be "early to bed, early to rise". 

I've already learned that while sometimes I can push myself to keep working late at night, for the most part, I have to stop my work at a certain time if I want to function at full capacity the next day. 

Although I'm usually up early in the morning, it's hard for me to jump right into drawing or staring at my screen for too long. So my early mornings are spent setting things up for the rest of the day: working out, going to appointments, running errands, and doing chores. I'll also catch up on e-mails and organize files so when I'm ready to sit down and work, everything is already in place for me to dive in. 

From late morning to early evening (9am-6pm) is when I'm at my best for drawing. After 6 is usually when I start my evening routine: therapy exercises, journaling my thoughts, meditating, and finishing any other chores for the day.

If I'm going to spend a large chunk of the day doing something fun (visiting family, going to a show, walking Ikea, etc) I'll do my best to focus on enjoying those moments rather than trying to schedule work in between. If I find the time and energy to get work done, great! But if I don't, I don't beat myself up about it because it wasn't on my agenda for the day to begin with.

5. I Keep In Touch With Collaborators
Much like calling my mom, I have to check-in often with my collaborators (agent, editors, writers, etc). Depending on the duration of the project, I'll either plan to check in on major deadlines, or I'll ask to have a call every few weeks just so everyone is in touch on progress or changes being made. It's taken a lot of anxiety away from making those calls or e-mails because now it's expected (and often welcome). 

And with the more times we talk, the easier it gets to stray from formalities and be honest when unexpected life-problems come up (on either end). It feels less like a stranger making excuses and more like understanding that your collaborators are people too; and just how you have bad weeks that can set you behind, they can too. 

Also, it's just nice to talk to others in your field every once in a while! Especially when you're so used to interacting with co-workers and managers every day, it's a big shift to suddenly just having yourself and online-messages to keep you company.

6. A Reason To Get Up
As I mentioned before, I live alone now. There are no family or roommates around to drag me out of bed, to make sure I get my chores done, or take out the trash. In my darkest episodes of depression, it's very easy to neglect basic tasks like feeding and cleaning myself (let alone my living space). And with most of my work being remote, it's so easy to disconnect from it all and just pretend I don't see the e-mails and message notifications piling up. So with the majority of my time now being spent working from home, I needed to find a new reason to get out of bed in the morning (since with retail, I didn't really have a choice).

Sometimes, it's the promise of a little treat to myself while running errands. Other times, it's the reminder that I need to step into the sun at least once every other day so my neighbors know I'm not a vampire. But as of this week?

My fish.

I know it sounds silly, but now I have to get out of bed because other beings' lives depend on it. Especially since these beings were a (pretty expensive) birthday gift from loved ones, I would feel like The World's Biggest Asshole™ if I just let them die. Also one of the fish is very small and anxious, so if I don't keep an eye on him during feeding times he will literally not eat (big mood, buddy).

It's forced me to get up to feed them. And since I'm already up feeding them, I might as well feed myself. Oh, since I'm here in the kitchen, I might as well run the dishwasher too. Why stop there; let's get a load of laundry going before I sit down at my desk for the day-

And you can guess how it goes from there. 

It's such a small thing, but it's made a huge shift in my routine that was based entirely on my own needs; something that can be very hard to motivate oneself for when wanting to just...fade from existence entirely.

Also, they're very fun to watch. I love fish.

---

I've had to become more forgiving with myself with these new limitations. I've seen peers and colleagues who seem to be able to keep working longer, getting more done with less, and feeling like a failure for not being able to be at their level. 

But everyone is different, and everyone's going through their own journeys. I don't know what they've had to go through to get to the point where they can work at super-human levels, but I know what I've been through. And with that, I know that I can't work outside of these limits; not if I want to keep working in this field that I love.

I'm posting this mostly for myself; documentation of what I'm doing and why. But I also want others who are beating themselves up for having a strict routine or are having to rely on others to help keep them in check to feel validated. No one gets to any degree of success on their own, especially in this day and age.

I highly encourage starting artists to pay attention to what works for them, what makes them happy and satisfied, and to work everything else around that if they can. It doesn't happen overnight, and it sure as hell isn't an easy process, but it's worth it. 

You're worth it.

Self-Care and Impulse Buys

So. Anyone who knows me knows I love me a sexy fishman. LOVE.

And yesterday I had the opportunity to treat myself and pre-order THIS GORGEOUS ABE SAPIEN FIGURE FROM DARK HORSE. I had the money. I was on the page to pre-order. I was ready to GO.

But I didn't. 

Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not really one to splurge on things like action figures or exclusive collectibles. If I can't use it practically or enjoy it on a regular basis, I find it hard to rationalize spending big money that I could spend elsewhere. 

So...you're making this some sort of revolutionary blog post...why?

Stay with me.

As I flip-flopped in bed last night, wondering if I would regret not getting this figure, it made me think more about exactly how I spend my money and why. And I realized that when it comes to things to "treat" myself, I really only splurge on one thing: food.

For most of my life, I've had a fraught relationship with food. Growing up in fatphobic environments and being both shamed and sexualized for my body, food was something I loathed trying to reason with. No matter how I ate (or how little), I could never "win". 

But now, as a bipolar-depressive adult who lives alone with no one to hover over my shoulder to make sure I don't skip a meal, I'm fully responsible for taking care of myself mentally and physically; which is where food (and self-care) comes in.

With juggling, multiple jobs and the unpredictable energy swings between depression and mania, utilizing take-out services and going to the drive-thru has been my saving grace. When I only have enough energy to either cook a meal or take a shower, I'm gonna choose the shower after I run to get some chicken nuggets from Wendy's down the street.

Again...what does this have to do with anything?

Patience, I promise I'm getting to the point!

Realizing that this was my biggest form of "self-care", it made me think about how other people in my life go about their own impulsive splurges. And thanks to the massive influx of memes in this four-square format, I was able to draft this sort-of..."self-care map" where different things people do or buy can fall into!

There's the Internal versus External. This refers more to how it makes you feel; for me, eating food that I didn't have to cook myself makes me feel good internally. Now, something like rolling around in a kiddie-sized swimming pool of pudding would probably fall more into the external camp of pleasures.

Then we have Indulgence versus Escapism. This is more about how you use your care. When you go to treat yourself, is it something you want to soak into and experience amid the chaos? Are you trying to get away from the stressors of everyday life? 

My sister, who is more functional and organized than I am, doesn't have as much of an issue with food and feeding herself like I do. However, with her high-functioning lifestyle, she often spends so much of her time and energy on taking care of others whether it be at home or in the workplace. 

So unlike me, who chooses to spend my excess on internal indulgences like pizza and lasagna, she chooses to indulge with small stuff like new makeup or a cute t-shirt she saw while running her errands. Stuff that'll make her feel good on the outside while dealing with the daily struggles of breeding rats and writing research reports. We're both indulgent, just on two different sides of the same coin.

My brother? An internal escapist who takes joy in getting into a new game, TV show binge, or simply catching up on his sleep. My dad is an external escapist who would rather travel or go to the gym than be forced to sit in one spot and stew in his feelings. And my mom is a floater who roams all the squares equally except for external escapism.

Wow. That sure is. Something.

Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm not a therapist. I'm just a depressive freelancer writing this on their blog while they wait for their food to be ready. But this was something that I found interesting to think about, so I thought I'd share those thoughts with you!

If you find this grid interesting, you can use it on yourself! Use it on your friends! Where would your OCs fall on this totally arbitrary spectrum? You can download the blank template below and go nuts!

And if you enjoyed this long ramble and found this...I don't know, enlightening? entertaining? Maybe toss me a doubloon over on my Ko-Fi!

2019 IN REVIEW

With the year (and decade) coming to an end, I thought it was time to dust off the ol' blog and look back on everything that's gone on in 2019! These past two years especially have been a huge whirlwind, with me taking on some incredibly rewarding projects but learning on the fly how different freelance illustration is once you're out of school and balancing other jobs to make ends meet.

Since graduating in 2017 I've gone back to school, left school to work full-time, applied to go back to school again, had an existential crisis, got published, bought a car, got an agent, started getting freelance gigs, switched jobs to make more room for freelance work, went to New York to try to get A Real Job, went back to an old job because it paid more money, had a Tolkien-level Health Journey, got my own apartment, had another existential crisis, went to a wedding, and now at the tail-end of 2019 I'm going into 2020 with freelance as my full-time job? Hooboy that was...a lot.

There are plenty of reasons I'm finally making the leap, the biggest being my mental and physical health. I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Depression and PTSD related Anxiety Disorder, so it's been harder to cope with all of the stress and demands that come with retail work (especially now around the holidays). With having to spend so much time going to appointments and adjusting to different combinations of medication and therapy, my primary retail job was just draining me to the point that I could barely even take care of myself outside of it, let alone catch up on the freelance projects that have slowly been piling up in the background. 

Although it's terrifying making The Big Leap after such a chaotic year, I'm excited to finally focus on creating art again! And with that being said, we've come to the real reason I'm writing this post: What The H*ll Am I Going To Be Doing In 2020???

Well besides Chupie, there are a few unannounced illustration projects that I hope I can talk about more in the new year! They've been super fun to work on and I'm practically climbing up the walls to share everything we've done for them so far~

But while I can't reveal specific details, I can share my processes and other non-NDA work I do in between. So along with rebooting this blog to update on news, tutorials, resources, and general art-life stuff, I'll be using a one-tier Patreon to post exclusive work done in streams and early access to occasional commissions and adoptables! After a while, once I've built up my buffer of sellable work again, I'll post things to Gumroad and eventually a print-shop to help support myself a bit more financially.

My goal by the end of 2020 is to be working entirely in freelance, or at least ditch retail work forever and do something art-adjacent. But if these past two years have taught me anything, it's that anything can happen! Life is chaos! So I'm just going to do my darndest and hope for the best.

For now, I'll be taking the rest of the month to relax, recover, and spend time with my loved ones (and slowly...but surely...catch up on the backlog of work that I've had to put off the past few months...). 

See y'all in 2020~