Freelancing

Recently, I made the Big Shift™ from working full-time retail to full-time freelance. As I started picking up bigger projects like graphic novels and children's books, I realized that I couldn't keep up with both workloads without taking a huge hit in my mental and physical health.

One of my biggest fears with going freelance was my depression getting the best of me and affecting my ability to stay motivated while working from home. I live alone and aside from occasional visits from family, it's usually just...me.

Not having anyone else around to make sure I'm staying on track or taking care of myself was terrifying! I've been in that kind of slump before and it's something I never want to go through again. But luckily I've learned from my mistakes and knew what I needed from myself (and others) to make this push different. So for today's blog, I wanted to share some of the changes I've made to do freelance work as a bipolar depressive person.

Disclaimer: This isn't a comprehensive guide, this is just an explanation of my experience and the routine I've equipped for my lifestyle. This is entirely dependent on my various degrees of privilege. I also talk about my history with mental health, medication, and self-harm/suicide so proceed with caution if those topics may be harmful to you.

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1. I Got Medicated
Now, this was the biggest step for me and had taken years (and I mean YEARS) to get done. It involved multiple consults with therapists, doctors, and psychiatrists before we found a proper diagnosis for my life-long mental health issues, and with that a medicated treatment plan that worked best for me. I had to spend several months after starting medication before my body fully adjusted, but it's been worth every minute. I can't remember the last time I've functioned this well, and honestly, I don't think I would have been able to survive as a freelancer had I not found what works for me. 

It's been an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process, however, so being able to get to that point was thanks to a major privilege of support from family (on-hand and financial). 

2. I Have To Call My Mom
I can't afford a manager yet so until then, my mom (whom I love very much and would call every day even if I didn't have to) acts as my go-to fire-under-the-ass lighter. Especially now that I live alone, I basically have to prove that I am waking up, eating my meals, taking my meds, and getting my work done. 
As much as I want to joke about this, it's actually incredibly important to me that I check in with her (or others in my family and friend group). After years of going radio silent during depressive episodes and coming out about fighting suicidal tendencies in private, it's become necessary that I keep others in my life in touch with how I'm doing on a daily basis. 

This step in my routine isn't negotiable for me: it's mandatory and essential to continue being (mostly) independent. 

3. Everything Is Scheduled
I have the memory span of a squirrel. I have to have my schedules written down, on my phone, and even my family acts as another record of my agendas. I make sure to tell them my schedules (and vice versa) so that if I somehow forget to make note of anything on my end, there's at least one other person who is aware of what the hell I'm supposed to be doing and when. 

I have times to eat, times to take my medications, times to sit and let my mind clear itself out for a bit before moving on to The Next Big Thing. Whether I'm at home or out in the world, I have to stick to my core routines so I don't fall off track.

4. My Time Is Finite
While working in retail, I would often work early-morning shifts that would start around 6am (meaning I'd have to wake up around 4 to give myself enough time to actually...wake up). So my body's been adjusted to be "early to bed, early to rise". 

I've already learned that while sometimes I can push myself to keep working late at night, for the most part, I have to stop my work at a certain time if I want to function at full capacity the next day. 

Although I'm usually up early in the morning, it's hard for me to jump right into drawing or staring at my screen for too long. So my early mornings are spent setting things up for the rest of the day: working out, going to appointments, running errands, and doing chores. I'll also catch up on e-mails and organize files so when I'm ready to sit down and work, everything is already in place for me to dive in. 

From late morning to early evening (9am-6pm) is when I'm at my best for drawing. After 6 is usually when I start my evening routine: therapy exercises, journaling my thoughts, meditating, and finishing any other chores for the day.

If I'm going to spend a large chunk of the day doing something fun (visiting family, going to a show, walking Ikea, etc) I'll do my best to focus on enjoying those moments rather than trying to schedule work in between. If I find the time and energy to get work done, great! But if I don't, I don't beat myself up about it because it wasn't on my agenda for the day to begin with.

5. I Keep In Touch With Collaborators
Much like calling my mom, I have to check-in often with my collaborators (agent, editors, writers, etc). Depending on the duration of the project, I'll either plan to check in on major deadlines, or I'll ask to have a call every few weeks just so everyone is in touch on progress or changes being made. It's taken a lot of anxiety away from making those calls or e-mails because now it's expected (and often welcome). 

And with the more times we talk, the easier it gets to stray from formalities and be honest when unexpected life-problems come up (on either end). It feels less like a stranger making excuses and more like understanding that your collaborators are people too; and just how you have bad weeks that can set you behind, they can too. 

Also, it's just nice to talk to others in your field every once in a while! Especially when you're so used to interacting with co-workers and managers every day, it's a big shift to suddenly just having yourself and online-messages to keep you company.

6. A Reason To Get Up
As I mentioned before, I live alone now. There are no family or roommates around to drag me out of bed, to make sure I get my chores done, or take out the trash. In my darkest episodes of depression, it's very easy to neglect basic tasks like feeding and cleaning myself (let alone my living space). And with most of my work being remote, it's so easy to disconnect from it all and just pretend I don't see the e-mails and message notifications piling up. So with the majority of my time now being spent working from home, I needed to find a new reason to get out of bed in the morning (since with retail, I didn't really have a choice).

Sometimes, it's the promise of a little treat to myself while running errands. Other times, it's the reminder that I need to step into the sun at least once every other day so my neighbors know I'm not a vampire. But as of this week?

My fish.

I know it sounds silly, but now I have to get out of bed because other beings' lives depend on it. Especially since these beings were a (pretty expensive) birthday gift from loved ones, I would feel like The World's Biggest Asshole™ if I just let them die. Also one of the fish is very small and anxious, so if I don't keep an eye on him during feeding times he will literally not eat (big mood, buddy).

It's forced me to get up to feed them. And since I'm already up feeding them, I might as well feed myself. Oh, since I'm here in the kitchen, I might as well run the dishwasher too. Why stop there; let's get a load of laundry going before I sit down at my desk for the day-

And you can guess how it goes from there. 

It's such a small thing, but it's made a huge shift in my routine that was based entirely on my own needs; something that can be very hard to motivate oneself for when wanting to just...fade from existence entirely.

Also, they're very fun to watch. I love fish.

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I've had to become more forgiving with myself with these new limitations. I've seen peers and colleagues who seem to be able to keep working longer, getting more done with less, and feeling like a failure for not being able to be at their level. 

But everyone is different, and everyone's going through their own journeys. I don't know what they've had to go through to get to the point where they can work at super-human levels, but I know what I've been through. And with that, I know that I can't work outside of these limits; not if I want to keep working in this field that I love.

I'm posting this mostly for myself; documentation of what I'm doing and why. But I also want others who are beating themselves up for having a strict routine or are having to rely on others to help keep them in check to feel validated. No one gets to any degree of success on their own, especially in this day and age.

I highly encourage starting artists to pay attention to what works for them, what makes them happy and satisfied, and to work everything else around that if they can. It doesn't happen overnight, and it sure as hell isn't an easy process, but it's worth it. 

You're worth it.