Self-Care and Impulse Buys

So. Anyone who knows me knows I love me a sexy fishman. LOVE.

And yesterday I had the opportunity to treat myself and pre-order THIS GORGEOUS ABE SAPIEN FIGURE FROM DARK HORSE. I had the money. I was on the page to pre-order. I was ready to GO.

But I didn't. 

Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not really one to splurge on things like action figures or exclusive collectibles. If I can't use it practically or enjoy it on a regular basis, I find it hard to rationalize spending big money that I could spend elsewhere. 

So...you're making this some sort of revolutionary blog post...why?

Stay with me.

As I flip-flopped in bed last night, wondering if I would regret not getting this figure, it made me think more about exactly how I spend my money and why. And I realized that when it comes to things to "treat" myself, I really only splurge on one thing: food.

For most of my life, I've had a fraught relationship with food. Growing up in fatphobic environments and being both shamed and sexualized for my body, food was something I loathed trying to reason with. No matter how I ate (or how little), I could never "win". 

But now, as a bipolar-depressive adult who lives alone with no one to hover over my shoulder to make sure I don't skip a meal, I'm fully responsible for taking care of myself mentally and physically; which is where food (and self-care) comes in.

With juggling, multiple jobs and the unpredictable energy swings between depression and mania, utilizing take-out services and going to the drive-thru has been my saving grace. When I only have enough energy to either cook a meal or take a shower, I'm gonna choose the shower after I run to get some chicken nuggets from Wendy's down the street.

Again...what does this have to do with anything?

Patience, I promise I'm getting to the point!

Realizing that this was my biggest form of "self-care", it made me think about how other people in my life go about their own impulsive splurges. And thanks to the massive influx of memes in this four-square format, I was able to draft this sort-of..."self-care map" where different things people do or buy can fall into!

There's the Internal versus External. This refers more to how it makes you feel; for me, eating food that I didn't have to cook myself makes me feel good internally. Now, something like rolling around in a kiddie-sized swimming pool of pudding would probably fall more into the external camp of pleasures.

Then we have Indulgence versus Escapism. This is more about how you use your care. When you go to treat yourself, is it something you want to soak into and experience amid the chaos? Are you trying to get away from the stressors of everyday life? 

My sister, who is more functional and organized than I am, doesn't have as much of an issue with food and feeding herself like I do. However, with her high-functioning lifestyle, she often spends so much of her time and energy on taking care of others whether it be at home or in the workplace. 

So unlike me, who chooses to spend my excess on internal indulgences like pizza and lasagna, she chooses to indulge with small stuff like new makeup or a cute t-shirt she saw while running her errands. Stuff that'll make her feel good on the outside while dealing with the daily struggles of breeding rats and writing research reports. We're both indulgent, just on two different sides of the same coin.

My brother? An internal escapist who takes joy in getting into a new game, TV show binge, or simply catching up on his sleep. My dad is an external escapist who would rather travel or go to the gym than be forced to sit in one spot and stew in his feelings. And my mom is a floater who roams all the squares equally except for external escapism.

Wow. That sure is. Something.

Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm not a therapist. I'm just a depressive freelancer writing this on their blog while they wait for their food to be ready. But this was something that I found interesting to think about, so I thought I'd share those thoughts with you!

If you find this grid interesting, you can use it on yourself! Use it on your friends! Where would your OCs fall on this totally arbitrary spectrum? You can download the blank template below and go nuts!

And if you enjoyed this long ramble and found this...I don't know, enlightening? entertaining? Maybe toss me a doubloon over on my Ko-Fi!